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Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield jokes...just some levity for the times.
*The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
*It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
*The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
*The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
*The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
*The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
*The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
*The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
*The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
*The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
*The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
*The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally...
*Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

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It was my class reunion, and all through the house,
I checked in each mirror and begged my poor spouse
To say I looked great, that my chin wasn't double,
And he lied through false teeth, just to stay out of trouble.
Said that 'neath my thick glasses, my eyes hadn't changed,
And I had the same figure, it was just a mite rearranged.
He said my skin was still silky, although looser in drape,
Not so much like smooth satin, but more like silk crepe.
I swallowed his words hook, sinker and line
And entered the banquet feeling just fine.
Somehow I'd expected my classmates to stay
As young as they were on that long-ago day
We'd hugged farewell hugs. But like me, through the years,
They'd added gray to their hair, or pounds to their rears.
But as we shared a few memories and retold some class jokes,
We were eighteen in spirit, though we looked like our folks.
We turned up hearing aid volumes and dimmed down the light,
Rolled back the years, and were young for the night.

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Twisted Puns

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, No pun in ten did.

7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

8. And the worst of the bunch: These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so -thereby proving - Are you ready for this?! That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned
to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

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A MATTER OF LAUGH OR DEATH (credit to Doug Platt, Bethel HS,CT)

Come to think of it, not much has changed in 50 years

It’s hard to believe it has been 50 years since Graduation Day, 1960. It’s hard to believe after this many years, we continue to say, “It’s hard to believe…” What did we think, that we were immune to the passage of time?

That we would remain forever in our 20s? That we were the first genera­tion in history that would not wake up one day and discover we were now in our middle and late 60s, and our kids are older than we were when we graduated?

Yes, that’s exactly it. We never thought we’d ever get old. Or, at least, we never thought it would happen so darn quickly. There’s an old expres­sion: The more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, there’s another old expression: The more things change, the more they REALLY change.

Here is a list that demonstrates how much things indeed have changed during the past 50 years.

Each couplet describes something we were doing back in 1960, followed by what we instead are doing now in 2009.

Sociology exam – Prostate exam.

Going to sleep at 4 a.m. – Waking up at 4 a.m.

Keg parties – Tupperware parties.

Long hair – No hair.

Hot dates – Hot flashes.

Hours of enjoyment with a $4 Fris­bee – Hours of frustration with a $900 set of golf clubs.

Progressive politics – Progressive bifocals.

Lying to our parents about what we did in high school – Lying to our children about what we did in high school.

Starting Saturday night at 10 p.m. – Concluding Saturday night at 10 p.m.

Poli Sci – PoliGrip.

Studying ancient history – Remem­bering ancient history. Thinking people in their 30's were old timers – Thinking people in their 30's are young pups.

Hundreds of vinyl albums stored in a heavy wooden crate – Hundreds of digital albums stored in a 2-ounce iPod.

Hoping we wouldn’t have to move back in with our parents – Hoping our kids won’t move back in with us.

Greek fraternities – Grecian formu­la.

Wishing our parents would leave us alone – Wishing our kids would call once in a while.

Bushy mustache – Bushy ear hair.

Deciding where to live – Deciding where to be buried.

Trying to discover the meaning of life – Trying to discover the meaning of death.

Focused on finding happiness – Re­alizing happiness comes when we stop focusing on it.

Now that the Class of ‘60 has ac­quired age and guile, we too under­stand that the experience gained during the past five decades far out­weighs youth, innocence, and especial­ly those hideous 1960s-style haircuts.

Which brings us to our final 1960-2010 couplet .

Thinking people in their 60's were ancient fossils – Knowing people in their 60's are just hitting their prime.

Well, at least that’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

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The Perks of being Over 65
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without intimacy but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

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I Learned In Kindergarten 

 Think of what a better world it would be if we all had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. (Robert Fulghum)


The great drive-in culture of our era was a unique and fascinating experience, and a very special treat on a Saturday night. I remember my Mom making this huge paper bag full of popcorn to put on the backseat between my legs. I loved watching her salt it, and the grease stains from the butter along with the huge brown stains on the bottom of the sack. I always went in my pajamas. That was the best part of all. Then, when the sun sank down below the rim of the trees and the majestic rectangle of the movie screen, the action commenced.

  There was also nothing like the snack bar. Between movies, the snack bar was Grand Central Station. And was it any wonder? They had all sorts of candy, popcorn, ice cream and soft drinks. If you needed it, they had it. If you wanted to check out the girls, go to the snack bar. If you just wanted to get away from your parents- well, snack bar city.

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Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. But we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup they all die . And remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule. Love. Basic Sanitation. Ecology. Politics and Sane Living.


Most of what I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. These are the things I learned. Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some. And draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world watch for traffic. Hold hands and stick together. Be aware of wonder.


THE REUNION...A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should meet for their reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there wear low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again pools their thoughts and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again decides to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet for reunion dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.